Boundaries and the power of avoidance

… is that my boundary or am I being a lazy cow?

I’ve been wanting to write about avoidance for a while now, ironically, I’ve managed to avoid it for the last 3 weeks. I’ve been reflecting recently on this incredible talent I have of putting things off for near enough months. It’s taken me 9 months to speak to HMRC about a tax rebate, I shit you not. A ten-minute task… 9 months? Kind of impressive if you put your thang down, flip it and reverse it. It means that on many occasions I’ve managed to get away with (and continue to) not doing something pretty important because well, I didn’t want to… or it was really boring, and I’d rather be eating ‘very cherry’ candy kittens in bed looking at the ceiling and pondering on whether Charli XCX is in fact queer baiting?

When you only must answer to yourself, it’s incredible what we can get away with not doing eh?

Boundaries…

It’s got me thinking about boundaries. That good ol’ word that circulates in the zeitgeists of that middle-class culture obsessed with the self-development journey, and centring ourselves in the middle of it. Myself included I might add… I am my own main character and God don’t we know it?

With the many benefits that come with so called ‘self-development’; such as the space to look back at difficult times & make sense of them, taking stock of who we are and what we need or want, and in many ways enriching our lives and relationships with more clarity and truth, I also believe there can be some sticking points on said journey, and in my humble opinion, I think ‘boundaries’ can be one. I speak for myself only here, but I find my boundaries can often be conflated with a real avoidance of sometimes difficult but important moments, particularly relationally and when faced with the need for a tricky conversation.

Boundaries, in therapy kind of speak, are often used to assert the idea of ‘no’ in our lives. In a metaphorical sense, we put them in to gain control over certain aspects of our lives, whether it be a problematic relationship that needs a gear shift, a job we are reconsidering or some aspect of our lives that is causing us pain. ‘No’ is a seemingly simple word, but for many it’s difficult and often uncomfortable to use. Whether it’s saying ‘no’ to the night out, or the drink, or the date, or the family dinner, whatever it may be, ‘no’ gives us the chance to reframe and live within a certain sense of conviction that many find tough to find. External validation can be a real guiding light, a beacon of hope, but can also leave us feeling a little un-boundaried and with a wavering sense of self.

Creating said boundaries in life can counter this and in turn create a stronger sense of self. I’ve been reflecting on the power of no, of creating boundaries and acting on them, and I think they’re hugely powerful, but I’ve also been pondering… at what point do boundaries rid us of the responsibilities we have to other people? And do we ever have a responsibility to somebody else?

Boundaries vs avoidance…

Responsibility… defined as;

“something that is your job or duty to deal with”

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries in a relational sense, how much do we owe ourselves and other people? Do we ever owe anybody anything in fact? In much of the rhetoric around therapy and taking care of ourselves first, the answer seems to be no, we don’t…  but I beg to differ. I think we owe other people many things: time, respect, difficult conversations. Maybe owe is the wrong word, it connotes a sense of debt, but I suppose I believe I owe certain people in my life a level of grace because of an unwavering love and respect we have for each other. I worry we center ourselves so much we forget to put other people in the middle, when we each need the spotlight at varying points.

So often in relationships (both platonic and romantic) we are faced with the need for difficult conversations or moments. I for one, after having started dating someone (*public announcement*), was faced with the opportunity to have one recently. In true me style, I chose not to, and instead ended the relationship entirely which was super healthy. We worked it out in the end, but that’s just to say I am so crippled by the idea of a messy and difficult conversation, that I’d managed to convince myself to walk away completely instead, without giving said wonderful person the grace of an adult conversation. Goo goo ga ga.

How les miserables is that? To walk away, instead of dealing with something painful and potentially messy? It got me thinking about how we can so often conflate this personal boundary, or this idea that if something or someone no longer ‘serves us’, then it must be eradicated. Rather than work through something which would require real effort, time, patience, and compromise. I hate mess, I like things to be neat; a yes or no, I want to be in or out, but I would go as far to say (call me Friedrich Nietzsche) that life literally happens in the messy bits.

Do boundaries rid us of the need to compromise?

I’ve recently seen examples in my life when relationships have come under real strain because of people’s unwillingness to compromise, to bend, to be willing to work at something, all in the name of ‘I’… or a belief that the boundary is the end of the relationship. Now look, I’m no Francis of Asisi, but I do like to think I can compromise, reluctantly, but I’m willing to admit my wrongdoings and compromise on the things I can in a relational sense. It’s one of the few things I’m really good at; compromising and overthinking.

I think we often forget to look at the people around us and remember that the world doesn’t revolve around ‘I’, which is devastating if you’re like me and assume people are always thinking about you, or whispering about you as you walk by… (‘WHO is that?’)

I think boundaries are wonderful, and incredibly important, but I also think they can risk us forgetting about the other, what somebody else might need, because at the end of the day… isn’t it all about relationships?

I believe I owe my parents grace and compromise because they birthed me (10 pounds of ginger hot fucking mess!), my siblings because they love me irrevocably, my friends because they show up for me time and time again. I believe in the power of getting it wrong and trying to work through it (not always of course), but when we can. In many ways I’m all talk and no action (see above for brutal and irrational dumping) but it’s got me wanting to live in that messy middle a bit more and have those sticky conversations, to remember that others cannot live by my standards or boundaries… and why should they?

They’ve got their own.